The Internets

The Internets are amazing, right? Not only do they make it easy to stalk current paramours (if you’re so inclined, I’ve certainly never participated in anything so underhanded), but you can also “look up” past lovers. Cool, right? Yeah, maybe not so much.

My first “love” was Steven Niemeier. He was adorable and blond and my best friend and I “shared” him. In fourth grade, that consisted of writing joint notes to him and giggling over how cute he was. And maybe roller skating past his house a few times because he lived down the street from her. He reciprocated our undying love until Michelle Whats-her-face moved to town in sixth grade. The whore. Anyway, I found him on Facebook. His 40-year-old self does not live up to my elementary fantasy. Next.

Randy Alquist. I loved him in high school and made an absolute fool of myself over him. If there had been a Facebook back then, I would have stalked him daily. Well, he is currently living in New Jersey and the mullet he had back then just isn’t cute anymore. I unfriended him after a few months.

My first real boyfriend was Ken Bialis. First for a lot of things, actually. My mom likened him to Tom Cruise, in the days when Tom Cruise was Top Gun-cool and not a couch-jumping asshole. We were together for a long time, but even I couldn’t have predicted that he would turn Mormon. Yes, Mormon. Facebook-confirmed. I even tried to friend him. Hell, I haven’t seen him in 20 years. I shouldn’t be a threat to his Mormon wife, but I’m pretty sure she’s the one that denied my request (and converted him to fucking Mormonism, he was Catholic in his former life). As far as I can tell from his tiny little profile picture, he still looks the same. And his kids are little mini-Cruises. Yeah, he looks the best and turned out the worst.

You know, some fantasies are best left alone. Reality doesn’t age that well.


~ by Kat on November 15, 2011.

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