Contemplating

A few months ago I met a boy. I say boy because he’s significantly younger than me. We had a great first date; I mean he even bought me a cupcake! But I wasn’t even considering him for anything serious because of his age and I was upfront about it. The sex was good, but I knew he wanted more. I don’t seem to have that trait that men do where they can keep using someone, so I just let it fade away.

I ran into him a couple of weeks ago in the grocery store. I had been helping a friend move so I looked like ass. Unshowered, no makeup, greasy hair. He looked good. He messaged me telling me he missed hanging out with me and, since it’s been a while since I’ve had sex, I invited him over.

The sex was great, but then I couldn’t sleep so we talked until four in the morning.

And I’ve been thinking about him ever since. I’ve tried to talk myself out of it. He’s still young. He’s not tall enough. It probably won’t work. But he’s smarter than I gave him credit for and he makes me laugh. A lot.

So here I am considering dating him for real. I’m surprised at how terrified I am at this prospect. We’ve talked about it a bit and he always says the right thing. He’s gentle but calls me out on my shit. He compliments me but won’t let me push him around. Did I mention he’s cute? He could be great, but I’m so afraid of getting hurt I can’t stand it. I didn’t used to be this way. I think there’s something about repeatedly being rejected and pushed away in my previous relationship that has made me a little gun-shy. I’m afraid that as soon as I start to really like him, he’ll lose interest and pull away. This is what years of conditioning does.

But the thing is, I think I do like him already. I kind of want to try it. I kind of miss having a boyfriend.

We may both regret this, but my toe is in the water. You know what? It doesn’t feel so cold.

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~ by Kat on November 23, 2011.

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