Depression Meets Love

I was diagnosed with depression two years ago. I was crying all the time and I think my therapist just got fed up with it and recommended medication. I was fed up with crying all the time so I took it. I felt better. I continued to take it and to feel better. But somehow, I thought it was all related to the breakup I was going through at the time (and had been for far too long) and that the depression part was only temporary. So a few weeks ago I thought I’d wean myself off of it. I had man Candy, I was happy, I only did the weaning part so that I wouldn’t get violently ill.

At first I didn’t really notice much. I wanted to sleep a little more, but it’s winter. If I could hibernate the whole season, I totally would. Totally. But then I started to question my feelings. My attraction to Man Candy. I thought maybe it was his work clothes and that I was shallow enough to judge someone based on that. He was working a lot of nights so I thought maybe it was the time apart. But I should have missed him more, not less. And then I started to not care at all. The numbness was seductive. If I didn’t care about him, then it wouldn’t’ hurt. I started to think that I should just spare him and do the breaking up myself and get it over with. Only that didn’t make sense. I had been blissfully happy just a few days before, how could I be so apathetic? Because apathy is indicative of depression.

When the day came that I started crying over everything and nothing at the same time, it was confirmed. The depression is here and it’s real. I had wondered when I was questioning my feelings, but I wanted it to just go away. He’s the reason that I know I have this stupid disease though. I thought it was nice not to care. It’s not. Not caring is worse than caring and being hurt. Not caring is meaningless. Not caring is sadder than crying because sometimes I feel things too deeply.

I went back on my medication. I talked to him about it. He said he knew something was wrong, that I was “different”. That it was okay and that I don’t have to do it on my own, I’m not alone anymore and we will figure it out together. I didn’t expect him to understand, I half-expected him to say that it was too much and to walk away. His acceptance made it okay.

Now that I’m evening out again, I know how much better it is. I don’t like feeling like I’m not normal and that I need help. But I do like feeling happy. Really happy. I like being loved and being able to love back. Had it not been for Man Candy, I might have suffered through it a while longer. But I wouldn’t have been the best me. And I wouldn’t know how great it is to feel love again. It’s worth it. It’s worth the medication and, if the tears come later, it will be worth it then too.

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~ by Kat on January 31, 2012.

2 Responses to “Depression Meets Love”

  1. Man, I’ve been there. I’ve been on the same medication for almost 10 years. I wish I could say it was continously. The thought that, “I feel better, I don’t need the medication anymore,” is seductive. But I feel better ~because~ of the medication. It’s wonderful that you recognized the issue, and that Man Candy is supportive and encouraging. I hope everything got better when you starting taking it again.

  2. Well, he turned out not to be my Happily Ever After, but I’m okay. I have my medication and I know that I need it so I will keep taking it. Life would be easier without depression, but we do what we can with what we have.

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