No. Just….. No.

So I’ve noticed certain, shall we say, trends on online dating sites. I’ve only noticed because I’m doing intense, uh…. research… right. Research. These are not good trends and I think if  you want to have any level of dating success then you should pay close and careful attention to the following tips. These are things that will cause me to immediately delete your profile or your message if you send it to me.

1. “I’m a nice guy.” Don’t say this. Nice guys are just nice and don’t have to tell you that they’re nice. If you’re saying this, you’re not a nice guy.

2. “I don’t want any drama.” If you’re trying to avoid drama, it’s because you’ve been involved in drama before and maybe the problem is you. For some reason you are attracting drama to yourself and I don’t want to be a part of it.

3. Bad grammar, spelling, punctuation. This is an unfortunate trend across general society and is one of the most disturbing. No, i don’t want 2 chat wit u. And before you call me a grammar Nazi, realize that these are the basic things you learn in third grade. If you haven’t advanced beyond third grade, I don’t want to know you anyway. Bad grammar is just an advertisement for not giving a shit about the details (or even the basics). And gentlemen, it’s all in the details.

4. The penis picture. Don’t respond to me with this. Just don’t. I want to meet you, not your penis. I already have a vibrator without a face.

5. “Baby, I can’t wait to eat you out.” No. Be a gentleman. Even when a relationship is based on sex, have some manners. At the very least, expand your vocabulary. Don’t offer to let me sit on your face. That sounds like sitting on the toilet. Use a few more elegant words that might actually entice me.

6. Kids are not chick magnets. I know you’ve been told that they are, but it’s one of the great urban myths. You love your kids, great, you should. But don’t force them on me and think that every woman out there has a burning desire to co-parent them with you. Most of us just don’t. Get a puppy.

7. Don’t say you love chocolate and cats. That automatically translates to gay. Or that you have a vagina and I already have one of those, thank you.

8. Most important, don’t lie about who you are and what you like. You don’t like walking on the beach at sunset? Great, just don’t say that you do. You only want sex in the bathroom? You only like skeleton-thin? You smoke like a chimney? You have a fetish for toenails or you love living in your mom’s basement and you’re never going to leave? Great!! I mean, not for me, I’m not looking for any of that. But somebody will and, by being upfront, you will find that person quicker and not waste your time or mine. I can totally respect honesty, even if I think it’s a little bizarre. Just be who you are. I’ll be who I am. Maybe we can at least be friends.


~ by Kat on August 28, 2013.

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