How to Be a Woman

I don’t know when the tables turned, but they definitely have. Men wear tight pants and spend unnecessary amounts of time on their hair and grooming. For fuck’s sake, the hipsters decorate their damn beards! Women brew beer and drink whiskey and leave their husbands home with the kids while they go off to war.

What I’m learning is that women are better at all of the roles then men are. We’re still better at dressing up and doing makeup. In general. I’m not going up against a drag queen in a make-up contest, so there are exceptions. We’re also learning to be better at being men. We take rejection better in dating situations. That’s what ice cream is for. We’re learning to be much better at being single. Our approach to casual sex is generally kinder and less messy.

Men, on the other hand, are bad at having vaginas. They’re bad at being sick so this makes sense but it’s completely frustrating. Guys are very bad at being needy and clingy.

So listen up, dudes. When you want more from a woman than she is willing to give, use sex to get love like we have done for the last billion centuries. It won’t work, but at least we get to have some sex. You will feel sad and used, don’t turn that on us. Cry to your boyfriends and get a favorite ice cream flavor. Maybe invest in some fluffy, comfy pajamas.

Don’t question us on the third date asking what we’re doing and where this is going. Did y’all ever like that when we did it? No. We don’t know what we’re going to wear tomorrow, we can’t think about how we’ll feel about you in another 6 months. Just take a breath and enjoy the ride for as long as it lasts.

When we tell you we only want a casual sex, we mean it. You’re not going to change our minds no matter who much you try to romance us. If we want romance, we’ll ask for it. If we just want to bone once in a while, we’ll tell you. Please, please do not get butt-hurt if you get your little feelings hurt. We’re trying to be honest up front so that we don’t hurt you. If you need to cry, do it in your beer.

Now, I know this all sounds harsh, but we women have been doing it since the dawn of time. And, honestly, if you’re going to turn the tables and start saving yourself for marriage and talking constantly about wanting to settle down, this is what you get.

For fuck’s sake, just man up about it!

 

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~ by Kat on January 13, 2016.

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