The White Picket Fence

•January 7, 2016 • Leave a Comment

I went out with a guy once who complained about women in their late 30’s/early 40’s who said they still wanted children. His opinion was that their uteri were shriveled up and they had missed that boat and should just accept the fact and move on. I thought it was a little harsh at the time but, hey, he was honest.

Now, in my mid 40’s, I’m running into men saying the same thing. My daughter is 19 so I’m at the finish line and it’s bad enough to meet a guy with young children because I just don’t want to be a part of raising kids anymore. But the guys who haven’t had kids yet and still want them? Go bother a 20-something, stay away from me.

I mean, it’s cute that they have the white-picket-fence dream, but when did men develop ticking clocks? What happened to the sexy, forever-bachelor who was never interested in kids? Where is THAT guy now that I’m looking for him?

And while I’m thinking about it, since when did guys stop wanting casual sex? That is basically how men are engineered. To spread their seed. To propagate the species. They’re not supposed to put “snuggling” or “cuddling” anywhere on their to-do list. “Oh no, I can’t have just sex. No, I need a relationship. I need to feel a connection.” For fuck’s sake, if I wanted a vagina, I’d date a woman!

Can we just go back to the days where guys would have sex with us and then ignore us for days? I’m okay with that. I get to have my orgasm and go on with my life. Do I really need to trick a guy into thinking I want more just to get laid? These role reversals are just a bitch.

 

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Office Romance

•December 30, 2015 • Leave a Comment

Over the years I’ve had mini crushes on co-workers. The one thing they have all had in common is that they’re not overtly handsome and they’re all married. So of course nothing has ever happened. My little fantasies have stayed in my head where they belong. I’ve largely kept them to myself. Until now.

Oops. I told a tiny lie. The first co-worker I ever had a crush on I ended up having a four-year relationship with. But he wasn’t married. But we did have sex on the floor of the shop that his dad owned. He was actually my first boyfriend. Go big or go home. Am I right, bitches?

The next one I remember was the manager of the golf store I worked at for a summer. Jon. He seemed innocent. Easy to talk to. Bought me frozen yogurt on my birthday. But then he invited me over for chocolate chip cookies. That his wife made. Before she went out of town. I may have been only 20, but I knew what that meant. I declined and then told my mom all about it. He was a “family friend.”

I worked with Tom for nearly eight years. Not conventionally handsome. More goofy. But hilarious. His ringtone for his wife was “Fat Bottomed Girls.” He claimed that she requested it. He talked about how crazy she was, but in an affectionate tone. How she made sunscreen and put it in tiny jars. He made fun of her in a way that wasn’t making fun as much as bragging about how great she was. Completely endearing. And, lord, did that man make me laugh. I don’t know if he realized that half the women in the office had crushes on him. He played some instrument (trumpet? sax?) in a band and they played downtown one night. During a break, he ended up sitting next to me and someone I didn’t know mistook me for his wife. Death stares from the other office groupies.

One of the latest is the facilities manager at my “new” job. Nerdy. Just like I like. Tall. And so friendly. He has zero reason to make any effort with me but he does. Elevators are the worst but he is so good at elevator conversation. And so tall. But then he started throwing doughnuts around in a meeting. You’d think that would be a turn-on, but it was like he was trying too hard. And he didn’t throw any my way. Rude.

Lately, it’s the “redneck.” I can’t explain it. He wears a baseball cap every day so he’s probably covering up some kind of hair loss. Plaid shirts. And he doesn’t talk. He does open the door for me. Even if he’s two steps behind me in the hall, he makes sure to get to the door before I do. Or he’ll stand there a beat too long waiting for me to get to it. He ducks his head and focuses on whatever-his-job-is. Until today. He waits four months to speak and tells the funniest joke I’ve heard since I’ve been there. Plus. Adorable southern accent. Damn his 6-month old. And three-year-old. And the wife, of course.

You know, I can’t leave out the Psychology professor. Bald and Old. As old as I am now, but I was 20 back then so he seemed ancient. He bragged about how his wife still looked good in leather skirts and how their daughter was humiliated by this “fact.” His nose was too big but he thought I was smart and that was enough. I didn’t need the extra office hours but I used them anyway. On Saturdays.

Do you get the running theme here? Basically a man just has to make me feel attractive. Or smart. Or important. Or amuse me.

I’m so easy. And yet so single.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Years In Review

•December 30, 2015 • Leave a Comment

Hoo boy, is it dusty around here!!

So one year I had a long stale period and one fling. The second year I was in a relationship and it’s hard to blog about someone you’re currently being nice to and trying to impress. How did Carrie manage it all the time? Actually, she got laid a LOT so maybe I should just get over it.

Anyhoo.

We can catch up later, but for now I want to talk about some of the things I’ve figured out about men (and myself) in the last couple of years.

  1. Rules were made for a reason. They are also made to be broken. I broke the rule of not dating someone I work with. And it worked out mostly. Mostly because we no longer work together. The lesson? I think I’m okay with my rules.
  2. I should really go with my first instinct. I don’t have to be fair all the time. I don’t have to give all the chances. My gut has learned a few things over the years and pretty much knows what’s up. If it feels “off”, it should probably be broken off.
  3. Online dating hasn’t really changed over the years. It’s still most useful for entertainment.
  4. I do believe that men are getting needier. It must be something about the imbalance of power with more of us women becoming increasingly independent. I wish they could just suck it up, remind themselves we make only 78cents per their dollar, and fake it until they make it.
  5. Inversely, the older I get, the less I am willing to settle. If anything, I’m getting pickier. I like me. I like my life. I like having a bed to myself. I like eating ice cream for dinner when I want. It will take someone really well-qualified to change that. That being said, there are some things that matter less to me, but the things that do matter, matter a lot.

Here’s to renewed dating success in 2016!!

Fun and Games

•September 29, 2013 • Leave a Comment

I have a good friend who just went through another divorce. This one was young. Too young. We joke about how you play with young, you don’t marry it. Cougars play with their food, right?

I have recently started an online correspondence with a man who, because of distance and circumstances, I will most likely never meet. However, I have realized that he possesses certain qualities that I didn’t realize I’m looking for until now. He is not  young. Well, relatively not. He is 50. There’s a lot I like about him. Aside from how far away he is.

My very good friend, who is 40, has gone on a couple of dates now with a 32-year-old. He has a 30-year-old friend and asked my friend if I’d be interested in meeting him. This was their conversation:

Her: “Sure, she’d play with him.”

Him: “What does that mean?”

Her: “Well, she’d meet him, probably have sex with him, but he couldn’t expect more than that.”

Him: “Oh.”

I have a feeling my 50-year-old friend would understand.

 

I Like You Too Much to Have Sex with You

•September 20, 2013 • Leave a Comment

Sounds weird, I know. But this is how it is.

There’s some kind of rule about not having sex until the third date. Too soon and you’re a hooker, too late and the relationship fizzles before it starts. There are rules, there are guidelines, there are suggestions and guilt-trips. Somehow the Third Date has become the norm, as some statistics put it at 50% of The Date to Do the Deed.

I think it can be a little more organic though. I know when I like someone. I freely admit that I will imagine naked time with someone when I first meet them. As women, we’ve learned to examine hand and shoe size. Is there a possibility? Are the lips kissable? Guys, trust me. We think about the same things you do at the same time you do. Unless, of course, you’re written off from the get-go.

However, it’s different when I like someone. I will of course think all of the above. And I’m no prude, if I want to have sex with someone I will. One-night stands have, for better or worse, become a part of my repertoire. But not when I like someone. There are so many added layers. I want the anticipation to build. I want to feel that I’m liked back. It has nothing to do with playing games or making him earn something.

So, how to tell if I like someone now? Somewhat paradoxically, the longer without sex, the more I like you.

Sex on the first date? Probably the kiss of death.

No. Just….. No.

•August 28, 2013 • Leave a Comment

So I’ve noticed certain, shall we say, trends on online dating sites. I’ve only noticed because I’m doing intense, uh…. research… right. Research. These are not good trends and I think if  you want to have any level of dating success then you should pay close and careful attention to the following tips. These are things that will cause me to immediately delete your profile or your message if you send it to me.

1. “I’m a nice guy.” Don’t say this. Nice guys are just nice and don’t have to tell you that they’re nice. If you’re saying this, you’re not a nice guy.

2. “I don’t want any drama.” If you’re trying to avoid drama, it’s because you’ve been involved in drama before and maybe the problem is you. For some reason you are attracting drama to yourself and I don’t want to be a part of it.

3. Bad grammar, spelling, punctuation. This is an unfortunate trend across general society and is one of the most disturbing. No, i don’t want 2 chat wit u. And before you call me a grammar Nazi, realize that these are the basic things you learn in third grade. If you haven’t advanced beyond third grade, I don’t want to know you anyway. Bad grammar is just an advertisement for not giving a shit about the details (or even the basics). And gentlemen, it’s all in the details.

4. The penis picture. Don’t respond to me with this. Just don’t. I want to meet you, not your penis. I already have a vibrator without a face.

5. “Baby, I can’t wait to eat you out.” No. Be a gentleman. Even when a relationship is based on sex, have some manners. At the very least, expand your vocabulary. Don’t offer to let me sit on your face. That sounds like sitting on the toilet. Use a few more elegant words that might actually entice me.

6. Kids are not chick magnets. I know you’ve been told that they are, but it’s one of the great urban myths. You love your kids, great, you should. But don’t force them on me and think that every woman out there has a burning desire to co-parent them with you. Most of us just don’t. Get a puppy.

7. Don’t say you love chocolate and cats. That automatically translates to gay. Or that you have a vagina and I already have one of those, thank you.

8. Most important, don’t lie about who you are and what you like. You don’t like walking on the beach at sunset? Great, just don’t say that you do. You only want sex in the bathroom? You only like skeleton-thin? You smoke like a chimney? You have a fetish for toenails or you love living in your mom’s basement and you’re never going to leave? Great!! I mean, not for me, I’m not looking for any of that. But somebody will and, by being upfront, you will find that person quicker and not waste your time or mine. I can totally respect honesty, even if I think it’s a little bizarre. Just be who you are. I’ll be who I am. Maybe we can at least be friends.

The Next Chapter

•August 20, 2013 • Leave a Comment

Again, it’s been a while. It’s hard to write a dating blog while in a relationship. As it turns out, it’s difficult for me to do a lot of things when I’m in a relationship. Luckily, as it turns out, I am no longer in a relationship.

Did I say Man Candy is a good guy? You know, he probably is. I’m sure it’s his age and his stage of life. I was a dick around 30. Opinionated, judgmental, controlling. I needed things to be a certain way. But, now, after a divorce and another relationship, and being a single parent, and growing up a little more, I don’t see in black and white anymore. I can’t. My world just wouldn’t function that way.

In the end, we didn’t work together. Oil and water. I tried. I even gave it a second chance. I had high hopes. I put my friends on the back burner to give it a real go. But that wasn’t what I wanted. I liked my life the way it was. I liked me the way I was. He didn’t.

So here I am. Single again. My 43rd birthday was last week. My daughter is starting her senior year of high school. This is definitely a new chapter and I’m not sure what it will bring, but I’m ready to turn the page.